Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be in the situation I am in right now. Not at my age, and with all the ideas and opinions I have about life, and the way to live it. I have mostly been what is known as an independent fringe dweller of society, that is, until the last 5 years. Although no longer considered young, I still had such unique and exciting goals and ideas about what my fulfilling life would look like. Traveling round Australia for one or living in a quaint country cabin I would build myself, where I would live completely independent of our modern way of life, for another. This seemed like a wonderful way to retire to me, when the time came.
My mind wandered back over my life, and silently reminisced about earlier years. I call them past lives because they seem like life times ago now and the memories are getting fainter and sketchier with each passing year. There was the childhood as an unloved abused child that had given me the very useful skill to keep getting on with things no matter what. Then I learnt about not hording in the caravan that was my first home as an adult. I liked the feeling of simplicity, freedom and not being tied down, that came with it, and became a hallmark for my adult life. From there my mind wandered to the years or life time where my husband and I moved from the land to the sea. We built a yacht and spent many years sailing round the south pacific, as was quite popular in the sixties and seventies. . . .
My thoughts continued idly to the Buddhist belief of impermanence, of change being the only constant in Life. Well it certainly had been a constant in my life, I reflected. And I was very happy it had been. There had been many changes and lifetimes, in the unique tapestry that had been my life.
I look around the little room I call home now and feel I should be grateful, but there is always that nagging feeling of . . . what is it . . . a fanciful mind reminiscing about past lifetimes of freedom, excitement and the dignity of independence. There is little excitement or change for me here. One day molds into the next. If I was where I imagined I would be in my life right now, it certainly wouldn’t be the mundane and emotionally challenging existence I am in now.
While some of the other residents seem quite happy and content to be ‘living’ here, I just lay hungering after past independence and the natural delight of living outside our modern way of life.
But there isn’t much I am able to do for myself after the stroke that so unexpectedly disabled my life mid sentence. This is one change I hadn’t considered in the story of my life. I thought I still had plenty of time to realize those remaining unfulfilled dreams. But that is what they will remain now, wonderful, but unfulfilled dreams playing out in my mind.